The Perfect Husband.

Gotcha!

I bet the blog's title caught your attention or at least made you curious about what the heck I am going to say, right?

Trust me, if any typical nowadays women going to read of what I've done for my wife so far, at least 99% of them would run like hell the other way from me, which is still  nicer than stop by and gives me their nasty piece of advices :)

For our last 36+ years of marriage, I never give my wife (a)  a birthday gift, nor  (b) even an anniversary gift or on Mother Day event. On top of that, I didn't give her a (c) wedding ring until  years later, when my older sister bought us a pair of gold rings, which we wear it only for couple years and didn't touch it again, unless when we traveled together in Asia (the reason I will explain later). 

I also didn't buy her (d) a single travel ticket for any cruise or a romantic vacation in Europe - as many of our friends and relatives - often did. Then to top of it all - hey, listen the N.O.W. (National Organization for Women) chairwomen, I told her to chose between her career and the motherhood, when we have our first born. If she chose her career then she would have none of me. I rather face a tough decision early than more painfully facing the same problem that many couples would end up years later. Trust me, it wasn't an easy decision to make for both of us, but I've seen the pattern, not just from my childhood, but also - perhaps - from previous karma, which the New Testament summed it all up nicely - easy to remember - in just two commandments. BTW, isn't it crazy to mentioned the word "karma" and "New Testament" in the same sentence, eh? Actually, it isn't so  for my guru, who passed away even before I was born, and he was perfectly understood God's love for us all, and Jesus is the answer for getting rid of all human's karma if we are truly know of what "Love" is.

Hey, before you think I am an arrogant "know it all" SOB, I didn't say that I am truly know of what "Love" is, I just perfectly content of what I know about the subject, and continue to learn about it as long as I am still alive and blogging :)

This blog is also not a debate between theology & belief, but to answer some of my friends and relatives, who often wondered why my wife can put up with a "nut case" like me for nearly 4 decades (and little that they know, she often half joking, half serious - told me that she wanted to be my wife in next karma too if there is one - and I often joking back that "hell no! I have to date another angel to see what they're like..." - which of course - she gave me a hard time for saying so.

How we met.

Before I dived into a deep subject and get lost, let me tell you first about how we met, which by the end, using the “nut & bolt” analogy, you’ll see that how each couple by fate – be together for either short or a long life.

It got to be fate that we end up meeting and finally become husband and wife. I lived in her home town for over a year but never met or know Kate – and it was the same for her. On the other hand, her younger sister knew me through a friend of mine, who has a bad tendency to woo and flirt with any young girl that he encountered, which she hated him so much that I became her victim by “association” rule. If Kate ever mentioned to her sister that I was her friend – just a friend – then I bet 1000:1, her sister would talk Kate out from getting to know me any further. It was just one of 1001 reasons that helped pull us together (or I could say 1001 reasons for us never met), which I can’t list all here, because it would require a whole long blog or even a book by itself. Briefly, I was Kate’s last hope, in the “Obi-Wan Kenobi” heroes role, because after a month staying in Saigon city and asked everybody that Kate knew, to help her with information and applying for the universities in Saigon and was not able to get any further, she finally and reluctantly remembered my offer at a H.S. graduation party that her friend inviting us – we were unknown to each other – that if she needed help with applying into college & university in Saigon, just stop by my house, which she did. For some strange reason, as I watched Kate walking out of my house on that day, my instinct told me that she was the one that I looking for, even though I didn’t have any intention having any girl friend back then, let alone to marry her.
Later that evening, I came to the hotel where Kate & her father stayed for searching a college for her, and I gave her a stack of application forms and brochures for almost every college & universities located within the Saigon city. Kate told me later that she was shocked and impressed with how fast I could pull a fast service like that. Little that she knew all I did was called my all of my friends, who were already in their Junior or Senior year of most college & univ. in Saigon, and told them if each brings me the document I wanted, they can have a free coffee drink at my family shop. They did, not just because of free drink, but they wanted to know how I was doing after “missing in action” for quite awhile.

The second time we met was couple months later - at a testing center, where we took a college examination. We didn’t talk to each other much, just a brief pleasantry exchange then we each went to our testing rooms. I didn’t think we would meet again after that, but it was fate that Kate came to my house one more time - a month or so later, to help her get through a tough huge crowd, where couple hundred freshman and returned college students, who were yelling, shouting and cramping shoulder to shoulder, as everybody trying to get into a bank’s cashier window to pay the tuition and fees – a totally chaos scene, because if they missed the deadline, they can’t get into the college. It was a second time that I pulled another “miracle”, this time right in front of her eyes, that quickly as I grasped the  payment coupons from many restless college students as I could,  told them to let me handle it, and wait for their name to be called and come in to pay the tuition. Within minutes, I cleared most of the crowd and able get to the cashier, put down the stack of payment coupons (with Kate’s paper on top of course!) in front of her and told her to just call the student name  and they’ll come in to pay their tuition fees. The two “tricks” I did for her was not even compare to the next one – a mind reading event, which it was totally impressed her and later– helped me to convince her to believe me - on many major decisions that impacted our life as husband & wife, but also our own family.

I have to let you know one important thing that Kate wasn’t a naïve or a clueless girl. The fact that she was always one of the top 5 students in Physics, Math subject, studied and fluently speak French language in her H.S., a school was built and ran by French’s government for over hundred years, which its intention was to educate the future autocrats to run the country, thus in turn favor their own French government.
Anyway, one of the reasons that Kate later told that she fell in love with me was with me, she always feel safe and happy, plus she said it seem that I always knew what she needed and wanted before she even realized – and even though I just only older than her a couple years, but I was like a much older man than just a young man.

Am I a typical Asian male chauvinist ?

A male chauvinist ?
“a male who patronizes, disparages, or otherwise denigrates females in the belief that they are inferior to males and thus deserving of less than equal treatment or benefit. ”

Most Asian people we know, including my own brothers & sisters, as well as my in-laws – they all agreed 100% that, because the way I run my own family, I am “qualified”, well – overwhelming qualified - as a male-chauvinist man, especially in this 21th century AND in America, no if-nor-but-because nor anything that I can denied it. The only reply from me is: so what? The world history already has proof that plenty of benevolent dictators, queens and kings bring wealth and happiness to their own citizen for many years before the next dictator overthrown them and did the opposite way.

I am not using history to compare myself to be like any of the King or Emperor, but mentioned the past as an evidence that being a “dictator” is not a bad thing, because with true love at heart, the title itself doesn’t mean a thing. Just take a look at the American government (now or in the past), or any government  that doesn’t have a strong and wise leadership, you will see how happy the life of their citizen.

Kate’s dad was also a “dictator” in his own domain, and in a way, he had helped trained and modeled Kate ready to be the wife that I was looking for. I also came from a family that unintentionally, my parent helped turn me into the “Ivan The terrible” dictatorship under the eyes of many friends and family, or perhaps – an experience from my previous karma?
The reason was so simple; my dad is a nice and loving husband. He loves my mom so much that he yield the “Head of Household” title to her and let her assumed the role of the “Enforcer”, not a good role model that goes against the motherhood images - that she just giving love, nurturing and care for her children. In fact, she has to do all of that and the pressure built up as she gave more birth that brought children into our family. The result was she constantly unhappy, constantly yelling at us – demanding we have to be better, better than what? I was often wondered. Since I am the oldest son and I am exactly a copycat image of my dad, later on I guessed that she was disappointed with my dad, and wanted me to be better than the man she married. If it wasn’t of her daily nagging, I wouldn’t run away from home and would never meet Kate as a result.

So you see, there was many reasons why Kate & I met, and how we instantly attracted to each other and still with each other after more than 36 years, even though I am the “Dictator” as many described - Kate renewed her love for me - as early as – 15 years ago – when she started to understand of who I am, and reason for my being exist in this earth. Many things that I told her in the past has already turn out as I said it would, and Kate is now sometime able to see the life pattern from others, the same philosophy and belief that helped guide me to see and live through this life.

Within a narrow context of just two person – a husband and wife - in very few instances one person should be “inferior” to the other, for example : in strength, male is mostly stronger than female. In technical knowledge is another sample, of course Kate is vastly “inferior” to me, not because I am smarter to her, but because I am spending most of my life in this fields more than she ever did. I expected my employer to give me the equivalent treatment for the skills that I have, which I don’t expected Kate to love me more or less because of having or lacking of this knowledge & skills – nor I love & treat her with less respect just because of lacking this special knowledge either.

In the essence, or ultimately – even if I have the best technical skills and having more experience than any of my co-workers, but I treated them very badly, how long I would last with the company?
In the same way, if I am truly a bad dictator – or a male chauvinist, how long would I be in the same house with Kate for the last 36+ years?

Many of our friends often wished that their children would stay with them longer, but instead they moved out as soon as they over eighteen. In my family, often against Kate’s wish, I kicked my children out as soon as they finished college, and have a job – which I buy each a new car
when they graduated, and give them 20%-30% down payment for a condo or house after they have
a job for more than a year. If I am a truly bad dictator, they wouldn’t care or need a dime from me and run quickly out of the house, just as I ran away from home when I was young. 

I wanted my sons out of the house - as soon as they have all the tools that we already provided : a loving mother (hey forget about me, I am a “dictator”, remember, eh?), a good education (private

school and college), and especially with a God-fearing character -  because  I came to this country with nothing, having less language skill than they are, and still able to have a good life, thusthey should be able to go on with their life, just let I & Kate to turn our effort to help the less fortunate for the rest of our life.

Now let me tell you a little more about the “benefit” of having a dictator in the house, and my philosophy from “performing” this role.

As an “dictator” in a house, nobody from either side of family wouldn’t dare to treat Kate badly for two reasons: (a) they think Kate is just a ”victim”, and (b) they’re more afraid of me, not because I will beat them up (which I would never do), but because they know I can tell the truth of what intheir mind, in their heart when they wish to do or say sometime bad about Kate – or me.

In Vietnam, the toughest mother-in-law is mostly from the North, then the Central, and the easiest
mother-in-law is mostly from South Vietnam. Kate’s mother was a southerner, and her father was from Central, thus her mother already learn how tough it was being a daughter-in-law for a mother from the Central area, and she often told Kate that try to avoid marry to a Northern guy like me, because her mother knew Kate is so sensitive, gentle, so naive and never could make her mother-in-law happy – especially and particularly my mother!

Since I knew my mother better than anyone else, I planned for a reversed psychology “warfare” even
before the day Kate come into my family as a daughter-in-law. Later on when we in the US, the first time my mother came to visit us for a week, a year after Kate gave birth to our first born. During that week, I treated Kate almost as worse as a “slave”, in fact enough to make my mother so shocked and she came to defense her young daughter-in-law. After she left, I told Kate about my true intention,  which I keep doing the same thing whenever my mother was around. Everybody – including friends - thought since Kate has no authority in my house, she can’t be blame for many things, I am their target instead – which is fine with me :)

After more than 2 decades later, there is nobody in my family would ever appreciated, to show love and kindness to Kate more than  my own mother, as she know it was Kate who raise her grandsons to grow up nicely, all finished college and each one is a productive citizen, and they made my mother proud of them. Another reasons for my mother appreciated Kate even more it’s because my parents has 8 children, I am the only one still married to a single person, the rest were divorced at least once, plus Kate gave my parent 4 young sons when all three of my brothers has only girls., a big plus (or minus) if you’re from Asia continental.

 Last time we visited my parent in San Jose, even as my father’s memory is fading away fast, he said this to Kate that Kate is a best daughter-in-law that he lucky to have, and my dad thanks her for all she did.

I haven’t told you about by playing the “dictator” role, how I also protecting Kate even from her own family, especially her father. It’s a long story but the result is the same. This how I keep Kate’s sanity intact,  being healthy and live longer for my very own self-fish reason, because she’s mine, God has chosen her especially for me.

What is considered to be a perfect husband?

In Vietnam, we often say that a man with virtue is just like a house with strong four walls: He’s not a womanizer, not an alcoholic, nor a gambler and definitely never be a drug addict. If a husband has any one of this bad habit, it’s like a house with one or more walls soon or later will be collapsed, no wise young women wanted to marry that man, regardless of how rich or handsome he is.

I don’t have any of those bad traits , except early 80s - when I was still attended the University of Utah, at SLC where just two hours drive to the border of Utah and Nevada, you can be in the casino heaven with all kinds of excitement and temptation. Whenever I needed money to pay for car insurance, books for next quarter or any emergency expenses, I waited until weekend when I filled up my car’s tank for an around trip to casino, and with $50 seed money in my pocket, I became a “professional” gambler – as my friends often tease us. I played only at Blackjack table and quited when I gain about $150-$250, enough to cover my need and I happily went home. I did it for over a year then after I graduated from college, I haven’t set my foot inside a casino for gambling ever since.

As for being an alcoholic, I still remembered it was one time when I was about 16 years old and it was during Tet event – a New Year celebration festival in Vietnam, when I was so boring and somehow consumed more than half a bottle of wine. Boy! For the next day and a half, I did the “toilet worshiping” act, then feel sick worse than a dog; thus out of this experience, I would never want to be that way again.

I would never use drugs either, because during my hippie years with partying, I have seen it destroyed many of my friends from H.S – rich and poor - which I think it just a wasting of money and precious life, and above all, it hide the fact that drug user is an ignorance – who didn’t want to find out what forced them from facing the truth, and make it worse than bury their head in the sand, pretending that their problem is not existed or will go away when they get high with drug or alcohol.

Kate already knew that I could be a womanizer too if I wanted, but perhaps I never would. Because she know even though some young girls and women already knew I am married, sometime they still like to flirt with me. One married women from ours friend circle, in one gathering party even dared to say to me that she’s better fit for me as my wife – in front of Kate! Which I just smile and said “There are several of young women said the same thing too, but having just one bolt with too many nuts trying to “fit”, I will worn out fast! thanks but no thanks!”, which made everybody laughing. A few years later, she divorced her husband and moved away from our state.

In American, with the slogan from the N.O.W, women is equal to man, thus husband and wife should be equal in everything. Man must now and share the household tasks with his wife, not just working full time and return home just to relax.  I happened to know quite a few “perfect” husbands, who doesn’t have any of those bad habits, shares many of the household chores, “religiously” love their spouse. However, many of them - and the rest of mostly simple man, who may has some issues with one or two bad habits, even not seriously yet, but still end up in the divorce statistics anyway.

From a man, a husband point of view, plus according to statistics  - women more likely divorce her husband than the other way around.  Thus, maybe there is more than just being a good or a “perfect” husband to keep nowadays women happy so they won’t divorce their husband. Beside the karma or fate, I think it got to be one of the 3 reasons: (a) women must be thinking they’re more “perfect” than man, thus not many modern man can’t make them happy or at least content, (2) women don’t know what they wanted themselves, or (3) man is getting dumb and dumber?

Let me answer the last question first in reverse order.

(c) Is man today getting dumb and dumber?

Well, if any man think he’s smart and better than women, they have to read this article: - Have We Forgotten How to Raise Boys Into Men?  from FoxNews. In as much as other people, who said I am  a typical “male chauvinist”, which I neither accept nor denied, nor to be proud or ashamed – of it. Label doesn’t do anything, action did. I am not quite sure whether man nowadays is dumb & dumber, but one thing is clear: most of the great invention and courage showed in the newspaper, on Internet and TV daily news were credit to man more than women. But, you would now say – that was only minor, very few of them while the rest of man is still growing up, or by their action/behavior - some even refused and never wanted to grow up (knowingly or not). 

Now, here is the next clue:
I know some very smart – some even consider as genius – man, could never be a “man” in a more meaningful definition.  On the other hand, I know and heard quite a few “dumb” man (with little or uneducated, doing labor type of work, making less income, etc…), but they’re the “real” man, who raised a happy family, and successful children. This bring up a next puzzle: Why some genius, smart man couldn’t have a happy life while the lesser man can achieve something that other can’t? Thus, the issue is not whether because today man is dumb or dumber, which is the cause to more divorce and unhappy family. It got to be something else. Just ask our ancestors - who didn’t have the latest Iphone or Ipad – and compare how their family with the current hi-tech, know it all men.

(b) Women doesn't know what they wanted

Before any women declare the all out World War III with me, allow me to say my last word is that: with or without me, it will never change until God say so. When a man has no clue of what they wanted in life or in marriage (beside sex and foods), his wife didn’t help much but contribute even more confusion as she say “yes” when she actually means “no” .
 Beside a typical women doesn’t know what she really wanted (until she’s much older and wiser) and as more often as she has less talent in giving direction, thus how she can give her man direction on how to get ahead or be a perfect man/husband (trust me, someday I don’t have to go to heaven and ask God why, perhaps God was already sorry that He created Eve!

I double dare who wanted to kill me over this blaspheme statement! Because they will help me

to join my 72-virgins (have to be blond and long legs if heaven still have any left) and live quite  happy ever and ever. LOL!

(a) Some women must be thinking, they're more "perfect" than man.

In this statement, it already has a false logic in it, because if she’s a “perfect” women, then she should be able to pick a “perfect” man/husband herself. I know quite a few “perfect” women, who divorced more than once or twice, and still think she’s a perfect women as being a wife. Because as a “perfect” wife, nobody can afford to match her demand or  perhaps, she wasn’t thought about and accept the price she must willing to pay when married a less “perfect” husband, or willing to “pay more” for a prefect man/husband.

Why people divorce their “perfect” spouse?

If during a wedding ceremony or during the honeymoon week, you asked the couple on what they think about their new partner, most if not all would tell you that their spouse is “perfectly” for them.

I happened to know quite a few “perfect” husbands, who doesn’t have any of those bad habits, why still many of their wives wanted to divorce them? There are many reasons. Perhaps -  he didn’t make enough money to spend on her, to spend a cruise vacation, lavish gift on her birthday, Mother Day  and Anniversary, to make her feel “equal” with her friends or relatives, share the chores at home,  not listen to them enough; perhaps, they were intimidated by their successful wives, etc… The same true happened for the other side too, as many “perfect” women get divorce from their husband. All of this tells me one thing: modern man and women doesn’t know each other – or worse, they didn’t even know much more about themselves!

The Old Testament told us that, even under guidance of a prophet like Moses and with many given clues (miracles as sign from Heaven), it still took 40 years for the Jewish people to get to the Promised Land. May be the Bible tried to tell us that it’s a symbol of how human will get to the “promise land” after 4 decades of being a human and going through all of the suffering and hardship in order to understand what is meant to be living in a “promise happy family”.

Just more than 50 years ago, it’s rare to hear people getting divorce. Even in a country with strong family culture like in Asia, thanks to the World Trade Organization and advance technology that help bring people all over the world getting together, exchange commodities and cultures – which unfortunately carry along the good and bad to and from others; the rate of divorce in Asian countries nowadays is getting closer to their Western counterpart. Basically, it’s easier and quicker for human to learn the bad thing from one another than learning the good thing.

Normally, it’s already hard even for a person to know everything about his or her spouse – after they have been married for decades, let alone a single person wanting to know the other person, whom he  or she is dating. Unless he or she is wise man/women, the main reasons for person to not see the other “negative” character(s) clearly is they were looking at a wrong thing, plus with the fact that the other hidden their “bad” character so well, or perhaps both. In term of spiritual, Hinduism & Buddhism both believed in past karma, which basically says that we reaped of what we sown, we deserved a spouse and for how long according to our love or a debt to each other in the past.  In term of physical being, in  Vietnam we have wisdom said “A buffalo is looking for another buffalo, a horse always wanting to be together with another horse”, which means just like animal tendency, we often yearning or preferred to socialize among our own kind.

I know a man, after a broken heart divorced from his first wife, who has some bad characters that eventually drive him nut and finally couldn’t handle it anymore and end up forcing him to divorce her. Few years later, he married another women then subsequently also divorced her shortly, and recently he is dating another young women – who I think she has the similar characters (or even worse) than his previous wives. What does it tell us about this man? I will make it short and simple: He doesn’t understand much about himself, so just like a person doesn’t know of what they wanted when they go shopping, they will buy something out of excitement, instant urge or being fool by the marketing’s ploy with images, sound or smell, then they bought it, take it home and few days later decided not a right one, so they went on to shopping for a next “better” one

I also know another close friend couple, who just recently divorced. We know them for nearly two decades as well, and from the beginning I already knew their marriage won’t last more than 10 years, which it turn out they end their relationship 14 years later. The reason that I know was simple. From what I know about his wife’s background, that after her father married a second wife and abandon her mother, left her and her mother with a misery life; thus as a young girl - she vowed that she would never let her future husband do it to her and her children. From that painful experience, she married a friend of us, and part of his fault – to let her became the “Dictator”, as she was in control everything – including his feeling, his emotion until he couldn’t stand anymore and called it quited.

A third couple that I know for decades, which the husband is came from upper class family, while his wife came from a lower class, and they met during attending a same college. After have been married for two decades, I saw there is a crack in their relationship, which a husband later told me that sometime he couldn’t stand his wife’s of lower class, it makes him feel ashamed of her ignorance when they interacted within a group gathering. This is a typical one of the reasons why many couples fell apart from each other when they feel their spouse turn out wasn’t the one they thought he/she would be when they first met. Because of our close friendship, I told him that his role or karma has been casted as a teacher, a guru and for her as a student,. a disciple, and whatever reason – she wanted to be with you in this life and to learn from him. I know she has a kindness and loving heart, but doesn’t have the level of her husband’s wisdom. It would break my heart if they can’t be together for the rest of their lives.

So from these three sample stories, what have we learn from their experiences?

First of all, I used to say win or lose is not important, but more important about what do we learn from it. Otherwise, if I win and don’t have a clue on why or how I win, then I was just darn lucky – nothing else. If I lose and also didn’t know why I lose, then for sure I will make the same mistake again and again. Essentially, these three couples could learn a lot about themselves before they can understand and having compassion for others.

The first divorced man didn’t learn much about himself, a typical grown-old-but-never-grown-up man, who refused to spend time to reflect and see himself was a major part which caused many problems in his life. There was time I once told a relative (who always complained, saying this person is bad, that person is lousy, and nobody is as good as him) - that if a person doesn’t matter anywhere he goes and still smell something like shit, it could be the shit was in fact on top of his nose, so just clean it up and he will truly smell the different. So far, I don’t think he get the message, thus here is another thought when this happened to us: We cannot tell an actor/actress to do or say something smart when he/she already casted to play a dumb character in a movie or play. We just have to have more compassion toward those still playing the role in this life, and hope that they’ll learn and be better in the next.

The second couple’s marriage was destined to fail from the beginning, because the husband didn’t realize the “garbage” that his wife carried all her life, and it’s even more sadden that she didn’t realize where her anger and controlling behavior was came from; and without knowing it, she’ll end up as a lonely old women. Her husband was a handsome man, and love to sweet talk with other female, which didn’t help to reduce his wife’s subconscious fear either. On top of it, during dating and in their early marriage, he thought that just being nice – not telling her about what behavior is acceptable and what is not – perhaps, he reasons that soon or later she would change. However, as women is getting older and their beauty and health is no longer remain forever young, the fear of losing her husband to younger girl or women is getting larger and larger as she’s aging, thus the behavior from her bad experienced can only get worse – and just like swimming against the current, finally the husband couldn’t fight back anymore and give up – he went to swim somewhere else. The funny thing is, after their nasty divorce, they both later having relationship with other people, but it doesn’t last long either.

The third man also didn’t realize, that by fate or karma, as long as his wife still worshiped and loving him with all her heart, then it’s his karma as her teacher, and as a teacher – no matter where or what school of life he’s teaching, there will be smart and not so smart student, all he should do is just share with them the best knowledge or wisdom that he has, whether the student can absorb just a little or a lot is not for him to judge , or to abandon his wife because of her ignorance. Besides, we can never teach calculus to a first grader and expect them to understand. As soon as we know a person’s limitation (or their karma in this life), we should teach or share with them something that they can understand and slowly build them up to the next level – which may be in this life or even in the next karma. A college professor tried to teach an Elementary pupil the college level class and yell at them as stupid, not understand, then we know who is even be more stupid, right?

Whenever Kate didn’t get mad with me, she often “threaten” me that she still wanted to be my wife in next life, which I always jokingly reply that “Hell no! one life is enough, next time around I wanted a blond hair and long leg, not a shorty like you…” LOL.

Before I concluded this long blog, I would like to share one last story - The dancing couple – so you can see that sometime, when we unable to know why we started an event - and more often than not, we don’t know when or where it to end, and that is another way to help ending an marriage.

Once upon a time, a couple after has been married for more than 5 years and without any children yet, they get bored, and one day the wife has an idea, that she loves to dance, especially ballroom dance and it would be good for them too, since it also a good way to exercise. Fair enough, the husband said, so they both sign up for the dance lessons.

Let skip to the end of the story, that after more than couple years of study and dancing with each other, the couple started to move up into dancing contest (thanks to the Dancing With Stars TV shows), then travel for dance competition against the other region’s winners. Along the way, they spent more money into the so call hobby, to pay for specially lessons, expensive dance fashion clothes, jewelries, travel expense, etc… then the husband can’t take day off to go with his wife for competition or to dance so often, because more bills to pay. The couple started growing apart from each other, and by with dancing with other male partners and close physical contact during practices, soon the wife started having affair, then the end is the divorce.

Conclusion:

There is no “perfect” man or women ever existed in this world, it’s already next to impossible just to bring ourselves to a “perfect” level, let alone expecting someone else to be perfectly for us. On the other hand, if we honestly keep trying to improve ourselves, and loving others – then with that, we might be able to help others try to be “perfectly” themselves.

There are not many young man or women would like to think that someday when they’re getting married, they will become a “perfect” spouse, but perhaps more as waiting for a “dream girl/man” to come along. I don’t know that if you ever notice about the phrase “dream girl” vs “dream man”, not a “dream boy” (yeah, I know there is in some sick mind), which I reasoned that man always love to have a wife with innocent,  sometime naive and pure at heart like a young girl, but women most likely preferred a man rather than a “mama boy” ! and I also noticed that most husband never wanted his wife to change, just the way she was when he met, but women always wanted her man to change, to become much different (not always better) than the man she married. This is one of the major issues that induces a crack in many marriage foundation.

If I wanted to have a long lasting happy family life, then I am a foundation for everything to be built within a house, or even a high tower, as long as the foundation is strong enough to support it. When a man doesn’t think or prepare himself going to be a foundation of all happiness in his life, he’s just like a poor quality mixed cement, poor craftsmanship, poor material, etc…not even good enough to build a good foundation. Therefore, he should not expect anything except a few cardboard that makes up a temporary shelter; and like having a poor built, weak foundation, just a few small misfortune events would easily blow away the wall - his children; the roof - his wife, everything that he built up and trying to keep over the years.

 Many of us - if not all – will never knew or can define what is a “perfect” spouse,  only  until we’ve  been almost through with this life. Even then, it’s not warranty that we know it better. I would never think myself as a “perfect” husband either, only “perfectly” knowing of what I wanted, and there is no young girl in this world was or is instantly to be my “perfect” spouse without any understanding of who am I , who they’re and what they wanted in life.

Most of us unknowingly think that after we married, our spouse will “instantly” fit the model spouse we already have in mind. Similar, it’s a silly idea when we thought a chunk of dirty clay dig up from the ground instantly become a beautiful and intricate flower vase. In other word, it has to go through many tribulation, trial & error  - along with suffering, before it could turn into a priceless piece of art.

As I looking back and reflected, either I was “lucky” or may be I already prepared for it since my previous karma. I chose my parent as a “school” to experience and learn it from them; to know how I wanted to be a husband, a father and what type of a wife I wanted to marry – and modeling my spouse according to my will. This doesn’t mean that Kate doesn’t have any will by her own. She can choose to walk out of my life at anytime when she doesn’t like the way I treated her or my way of living. 

It seems like we were a match from heaven, but it wasn’t easy during our first 15-20 years or even now.
It took time for Kate to understand more about me and what I wanted to do in this life, and the main ingredient that keeps us together is – of course – love, and next to that is ours respectful to each other, without it – even love will wander away and slowly disappear until someday it might be too late to get it back.

There are quite a few people among our relatives, friends and acquaintances – who said Kate has a “good catch”, but quite a few also on the opposite and they even said they would never want to marry a guy like me. Those who said I am a good catch reason that it’s hard to find a husband who can cook, can sew, baking cakes, taking good care of children, working hard, a handyman with many talents and can make a wife laugh, making enough money and financial secure so she doesn’t has to work for a living, no problem with her in-law or even with her teenager children, etc…

Those who don’t like me, they said just because I am not a “romantic type, I am too bossy, a dictator, an arrogant, a self-serve man, etc…and a main theme that all of them often repeat that I don’t know how to enjoy life.

There are different ways of love, and each is not always work in all condition. The normal love between parent and their children is second to a love between teacher and to their students when is involved in learning and discipline. The teacher needed to maintain a discipline, otherwise their student can’t be at their best when they grown up.  I have seen so many parents love their children so foolish way that spoiled rotten them. It’s also apply to adult as well. If we can’t discipline ourselves, then let other – our spouse do it for us. I’ve seen many couples like those poor naive parents, they turn into spoiling their  spouse then someday one can’t bear anymore of other bad behavior and called it quit.

Finally, from Day-One, I already let Kate know what kind of family that I wanted and let her to choose.
She can still make her own decision to walk away at anytime that she wanted. Of course, the longer we been married it will be as long as it would hurt if we someday end up divorce. I’ve thought about that long time ago, and I have learn one thing: there is for sure no perfect and everlasting love between human being, it’s only existed between God and mankind. I chose to bet on God’s love, because it will always be a perfect love that I know will never change, never give up on me – for better or for worse,  the love between marriage whether it last long or not is secondary to it. This is the reason why I keep reminding Kate that please don’t love me too much, but share that love with others, those who are less unfortunate than us, because just like any financial advisers, they will tell us one common theme: never put all of our eggs in one basket, unless it’s God’s basket.

With this, I hope you all will find a true & everlasting love in your life.

Christmas 2011